12.22.06

That’s enough of that!

Posted in Satire, Politics at 8:51 pm by diantus

            I’m meant to write about politics here, and again I’m running late.  I also am in something of a mood today so am forced to bequeath any responsibility for today’s update to the unknowable forces of the universe.  As such, I’m going to write about the holidays.

            Personally, I’ve got nothing against the spirit of giving.  While I might be staunchly anti-consumerist and at least vaguely anti-capitalist I get that part of the holiday season has to do with showing some generosity to your fellow man.  Now mind you, as holiday togetherness goes, I think Halloween wins it hands down.  After all, Christmas is that special time of the year where you are forced to spend time with family members that you probably don’t like, listen to music that sucks, and get gifts for people you don’t care for on the off chance that they get you something.  Halloween forces us to get out into our neighborhoods and interact with our communities instead of the same people we would anyways.  I suggest that you remember this next October.

            Anyways, Christmas is upon us and I’ve been thinking that organized celebration is a great example of the coercive power of culture.  It literally excuses the most blatant manipulation of precious cultural symbols for the barefaced extraction of profit.  I mean seriously – hollow chocolate crosses?  Jesus would be proud.  Anyways, I don’t really blame you people – the vast majority of Christians have no idea what their religion is about and certainly have avoided any effort to really think about it.  Most of them just take it as whatever confusing and contradictory thing their parents only half-understood. 

            What happens with faith is that it becomes increasing skewed and misunderstood with each succeeding generation.  Every couple of hundred years, someone spruces it up with some rigid dogmatism and civil society goes to hell wile a few hundred thousand people get killed.  Call it survival of the prickiest.  As a self-respecting child of the devil “progressive left,” all I can really do is shake my head and feel a deep swelling of sadness for the trials my fellow man is about to put himself through.

            So, for me, Christmas becomes a special time of year where the utter despair of the previous year becomes plain for me to see.  I am forced to remember that, while I may love and cherish my family, treasure the companionship of my friends, and stand side-by-side with my fellow man, someone out there is ready to see me hanged for my lack of faith in the Great Spaghetti Monster, Allah, Cthuhlu, Jesus and Pals, or whatever.  See, I don’t need God to tell me that you can’t please all the people all of the time.  I certainly don’t need to be convinced that this is ok.  I’d way rather invest that effort in actually enjoying the time spent with those closest to me.

            I don’t mean to lead a cheering section for atheism, but this is a time of year when the utter insanity of the season becomes really apparent to someone like me.  After all, the signs start to appear in October – ruining other, more respectable holidays might I add, and all of the sudden people are screaming back and forth about Christmas trees and Menorahs and why they should, or should not be, shoved into airports.  What I really can’t understand, and what this season drives home for me, is how anyone can get so worked up over what is, in essence, a really foolish argument.  With so many REAL problems in the world, surely this crap should be the last thing on our minds.  Here’s what I recommend this holiday season: go out and cook a nice meal.  Share it with some people you really care for, and forget about the tree.  Symbols only have the power you give them.  If this really is the season for peace and goodwill, go have some peace and goodwill and forget about how much you hate the Jews or the Catholics or the Seventh Day Adventists.  I’m not going to worry about it anymore, and will patiently wait for Halloween.

            Happy 4th Quarter Sales Spike everyone!  And Happy Holidays.

08.16.06

Zombies!

Posted in Satire, Current Events at 4:40 pm by diantus

            Today’s post is going to be something of a deviation from what I normally do.  Admittedly a lot has been happening in the world.  The conflict in Lebanon has finally ended and the settlement is actually pretty positive.  I am incredibly tempted to lambaste our president for declaring it a complete victory for Israel and a crushing defeat for Hezbollah, but he’s an idiot and everyone is getting after him about that point.  No, instead I’m going to talk about a curious article I stumbled across today about Laura Bush (Link).

            As you know, I fall into the democratic camp simply because I have an unbearable, seething hatred for republicans and their fundamentalist noise machine.  This is contrasted by the fact that I only despise democrats.  In the end, I feel poorly represented by both, but really prefer the one that is willing to leave me alone.  That being said, I want to raise my glass in tribute to Laura Bush – the republicans’ secret weapon.

            I suppose it is refreshing to a party dominated by reactionary zealots to have first lady back in the white house who knows her place.  After all, Hillary is still refusing to butt out of politics, and having her as engaged in the process as she was during the Clinton administration seemed to ruffle a lot of feathers.  Not so Laura Bush.  From all appearances she is quiet, doting, and blessedly out of the way.  It barely seems possible in the modern age.

            Now I don’t know a lot about the woman.  As best as I can tell, she’s probably smarter that her husband, and something of a victim in all of this, but I’m going to make fun of her anyways.

            From the first time I saw Laura Bush, I knew exactly what she was: a zombie.  She is a special kind of zombie though.  Like Lenin, her body has been painstakingly preserved in order to resemble the highest grade 1980’s plastics.  The smile that is constantly attached to her head is interchangeable, and her speeches must be preprepared on CD (the quality is better).  The question on everybody’s mind of course is why would the Bush administration want a Zombie in the White House?  Why would Tom “the Hammer” Delay go for it?  Can Cheney run fast enough should (God forbid) Laura ever become hungry and feral?

            The answer, my friends, is state sponsored terror.  In order to maintain the proper levels of outrage and fear in the streets, the republicans have used everything in their arsenal thus far.  The entire power structure that they are creating relies on keeping the public cowering and praying for rescue.  Laura Bush is there in case we ever actually catch Bin Laden.

            Think about it.  If we actually catch him and thereby end all terrorism ever (remember – hearts and minds are for pussies), we won’t need the patriot act or Donald Rumsfeld anymore.  When Laura Bush, a prominent public figure, transmutes into a horrible undead killer, not only can George probably get himself another term, but the republicans can keep playing the bull-headed security goon card despite a growing public sentiment that the domestic situation is getting much worse and should be addressed progressively.

            I can see the slogans now:

“Murderous zombies won’t listen to hippy diplomacy.”

“Science made Laura, faith will unmake her.”

Laura has to stay in the white house right now because it is one of the most secure places in the country and a president can’t be single.  They must have a family, so George did the only thing he could.  He hired himself a couple of actresses to occasionally play daughters at public events, and reduced overhead by using the Laura zombie as a mock wife.  Though I doubt they sleep together, since I’d imagine that she feels something like a fresh fish (and probably smells about the same).  After all, the public appearances are few, and all she needs to do is nod a lot when people say that the children are the future.  After all, the children are the future, otherwise how do we keep from running out of sweet sweet brains?

So, is Laura a valuable republican asset?  Absolutely.  Not only is she the model obedient first lady, but when the flip the switch, she will become the model “subject 0” for the zombie apocalypse.  All I can say is hail our republican overlords.  They keep us safe from Laura.